


Yours If You Want It

by Claretgirl16



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Backstory, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-09-30 04:40:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17217146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claretgirl16/pseuds/Claretgirl16
Summary: I read someone mention the idea of Joan and Jianna's backstory, and how this wasn't explored very much in the show. This got me thinking about what may have happened between them both if things had been different in the show.Based on that little 'prompt' about their backstory I came up with this.





	1. Chapter 1

Nerves.  
Excitement.  
Anticipation.  
Overthinking.  
Checking.  
Rechecking.  
Deep breaths.  
Trying to calm down.

 

Just a small number of things that Joan's mind had been running over the past few days, well maybe longer but a few days was enough up to now.

 

Preparations.  
Ones that in Joan's mind had to be perfect.  
Anything else wasn't acceptable.  
Well not for Joan anyway.  
It had to be just so.  
Just so in Joan's opinion.  
Nothing else.  
Just this.

 

After the millionth time of checking everything was just so, she left the house, getting into her car and heading for her destination, one she didn't think she'd be going to for this purpose, another one yes, but not this, maybe it was one that she'd not allowed herself to imagine, one she maybe didn't think possible?  
Curling her fingers around the steering wheel as she drove, she moistened her lips and swallowed to try and moisten her throat too, lessened it feeling as acrid. 

 

Concentrate Joan, concentrate.  
Calm down.  
You're nearly there now.  
Pulling up where she'd arranged to, she stopped the car, applying the handbrake and then checking her watch.  
5 minutes early.  
Relax.  
Plenty of time.  
So relax.

 

Sitting back in the seat she tried to relax as best she could, her eyes looking at her surroundings, taking a deep breath and then checking her watch again, quickly flicking on the car radio for some background noise, anything that'd help as a distraction until it was time.

 

A couple of cars passed her as she waited and then nothing, just quiet, well with the radio being the exception, then she create noise by tapping her fingers lightly on the steering wheel, stopping herself as she found it irritating, another look at the surroundings, the houses, her mind and curiosity wondering what might be going on behind the many closed doors, what the people were like, how many were there, were they looking at her sat in her car alone right now?

 

Click.  
A car door.  
One of her car doors.  
The simple sound of a click, a recognisable one getting her attention.

 

Her eyes suddenly looking at the source of the sound, then her face changed, changed in a good way, her eyes creasing up, lips curving into a smile at the figure in front of her.  
Jianna.  
"Y....You're here" Joan murmured softly as Jianna climbed into the passenger seat beside her.  
"I am, I'm here, and I'm free" the younger woman had wanted to have the small walk out of the prison entrance and gates herself, her first taste of freedom, asking if Joan would mind picking her up just outside said main entrance to the car park, of course Joan didn't mind, she understood why Jianna asked and wanted what she did, maybe Joan might have been the same had the tables been turned.

 

Joan said nothing as she wandered her eyes over the other woman, smiling softly as she did, almost like she didn't believe she was sat in front of her in her car.

 

"Are...Are you ok?" she asked Joan, leaning across to touch the other woman's forearm, this touch being greeted by a larger hand over the top of hers, and a little nod from Joan.  
"Y...Yes, I just...it's just seeing you sat there" not quite able how to express what her head was trying to say.  
Jianna smiled at the reply.  
"Shall we....shall we go?" Jianna asked.  
"Yes..Yes of course" reluctantly breaking contact with the other woman and putting the car into gear and pulling away from the pavement, heading off down the road.

 

A silent, but peaceful journey later, Joan drove up her drive and then stopped the car, turning the engine off and then looking at her passenger from the corner of her eye, waiting.  
Taking her own seatbelt off, the young woman looked at the house in front of her, taking it all in, it was a world away from the place she'd just walked away from, no guards, no telling you when you were doing certain things, no schedule set by someone else, no curfews, no punishments and things taken away from you, this was the opposite.

 

This was freedom.  
Literal freedom.  
A home.

 

"Is everything ok?" now it was Joan's turn to ask the question that was asked to her not long ago, Jianna turning to look at her after a few moments.  
"Yeah, just looking, taking it in y'know?".

 

After a few more seconds they both got out of the car at the same time, Joan making her way around to the passenger side and Jianna, taking the clear, plastic bag from her with her things in, the young woman walking in front up to the front door, waiting for Joan to open it, the older woman then motioning for her to go in first which she did, eyes wandering around the house as soon as she stepped in.

 

So different to her cell, this place was so big, so immaculate, so fresh, so clean, so homely.  
That was the overwhelming feeling she had right at that moment.  
Homely.  
Very homely.  
It felt nice.  
Calm.  
Safe.  
Like home.

 

Placing the bag and her car keys on the nearby cupboard just inside the front door, Joan watched, watched the young woman in front of her take in her new surroundings, her eyes wandering around the open plan space that she found herself in, not the small and crap conditions she'd not long left.

 

Did she like what she saw?  
Was everything looking alright?  
Did she feel like she could stay here?  
What if she didn't like it?  
Had changed her mind?  
Changed her mind about all of it?  
About Joan?  
What then?  
Then it was all over.  
All 'plans' were gone, out of the window, finished forever.

 

Another few moments of looking at the back of Jianna, and then the younger woman turned around to face Joan, saying nothing as she stepped towards her, no words from Joan either as she simply watched and waited in silence, not quite sure what she was expecting.

 

Closing the remaining gap between them both the young woman looked up at the woman in front of her, and then wrapped her arms around Joan's waist, cuddling into her, her head resting on Joan's upper chest, feeling a set of strong arms then envelope her, this giving her the feeling of security enough to close her eyes where she stood.

 

"I've missed this with you" was the whisper from the figure cuddled into her chest, it bringing with it a squeeze from Joan and then a gentle kiss on the top of Jianna's head.  
"I've missed it with you too sweetheart".


	2. Chapter 2

What is it they call it?  
Domesticity?  
Is that the word?  
Domestic bliss?  
Well whatever the word or phrase, something was going on in this house at the moment.

 

Food had been made and then eaten, dishes and the kitchen all cleaned and tidied, looking just like it did before the food was made, it was Joan after all, she couldn't leave it a mess, that would never do, and especially not with someone else being in the house now.

 

Clutching a glass of water she made her way through to the living room, Jianna already sat on the sofa, the TV on low and her eyes on it, that was until she heard Joan and then her eyes immediately focused on the older woman who joined her on the sofa, giving her a little smile.  
"Hello" she said as Joan looked back at her.  
"Hello" Joan replied, unable to not return the smile as she put the water on the table.

 

No sooner had Joan released the water, and she had a body curling up to her, hands gripping her t shirt softly, this action causing her to wrap her arms around the other woman and bring her onto her lap.  
Sitting in her new position Jianna wandered her eyes over Joan's face, gently tracing the older woman's features with her finger tips, the closest she'd been able and allowed to get, the other times she'd been conscious of them being caught by other guards or other prisoners walking in or past the cell and seeing them, the times they'd been 'together' it was hurried, tense, senses on overdrive aware of where they were and the consequences of being caught.

 

Still not saying a word, the younger woman leaned forward and touched her lips to Joan's, hearing the hitch of Joan's breath at the contact, this causing her to smile into the kiss, deepening it that little bit more, one hand and fingers slipping into the back of Joan's hair, the other arm around the back of her neck. It seemed this encouraged the older woman, as Jianna felt herself pulled into the figure whose knee she was sat on, a strong yet gentle hand cradling the back of her neck, another arm holding her close as they kissed, being able to feel the warmth and comfort radiate from Joan.

 

It was just them, no one threatening to come and catch them, no one watching, no one bothering them, no one telling them they couldn't, nothing like this, just them, enjoying the simple freedom of being able to be together, kiss one another, be close to one another, all these simple things so many people take for granted.

 

Parting her lips from Joan's when her need for oxygen unfortunately became too great, the young woman stayed close to Joan, their faces close together, just looking at each other, Jianna seeing Joan's flushed cheeks, her red lips from their kisses, this making her smile, gently moving a stray lock of dark hair that was threatening to fall into Joan's eyes.  
"Wow" the single, whispered word that Joan just about managed to say in her post kiss haze.  
"Yeah that'd sum it up rather well" Jianna replied, adding. "You're such a good kisser" enter the blush on Joan's cheeks at the compliment.

 

No one had ever said this before to her.  
Truth be told not many had kissed her.  
Or gotten this close in fact.  
Hardly any had.  
Not many it seems had wanted to.  
But this young woman did.  
She seemed to like being close.  
So close that as soon as she was on Joan's knee she kissed her.  
Not just a peck.  
A kiss.  
A proper kiss.  
One that was meaningful.  
Felt meaningful.  
One that Jianna wanted to give Joan.

 

"Thank you".  
"What for?" Joan asked, her fingers now gently stroking the nape of the younger woman's neck as she wandered her eyes over the face in front of her.  
"For all you've done and do for me, for me being here, for all of it" her dark eyes showing the sincerity of what she was saying, and she was thankful for her, literally everyone else had wrote her off, didn't want to know, wasn't interested in any way, shape or form about her, and then Joan was there, this woman had come along and literally done the opposite of everyone else. 

 

It wasn't only her kindness, it was her as a person, she had a 'thing' about her, something that caught Jianna's attention, a softness, she was attractive, a glint in her eye, a bit mysterious but in a way that when they were alone together, she got to see a different side to her, one that wasn't shown at work, to her colleagues and the other prisoners, only to Jianna, and 'their time', and this time was something she relished with the older woman, she wished so much that when it was happening in her cell or wherever, that for that passage of time, that time itself could be stopped, slowed down, be put in slow motion, anything so she could have that little bit more time with Joan, no amount of time seemed enough with the prison officer. Many times in her cell, alone at night she'd wished Joan was there, those strong arms were there, the warmth from the older woman was next to her, just wanting to cuddle up to her, be held by her. 

 

The feeling of being held by Joan was something she'd never felt before, it felt safe, felt warm, felt 'right', when she couldn't sleep at night Joan occupied her mind, truth be told she occupied it most of the time, but when it was dark, quiet and she was alone, the eerie silence had descended on the prison and she knew Joan had gone home, that was the worst time, many times she'd buried her face in her thin pillow and cried into it, tears at just wanting Joan, wanting to see her, feel her, be near her, no one else just Joan.

 

"You're welcome, you know I'd do anything for you" smiling softly at Jianna, it's true, she would do anything for the other woman, hence why she was now in her house after being released from prison.  
"I do yeah, and I would for you too, do you wanna know something?" seeing Joan's expression take on a curious hint at the question posed to her.  
"Of course".  
"When I was in my cell....and I knew you'd gone home, and it was dark and quiet, sometimes....sometimes I'd imagine what it might be like if I got out, got out of there and was allowed to be with you. I'd think about us together, not having to sneak around like in there, but to be free, free in every sense of the word, not have to look over our shoulders anymore.." breaking off her own sentence to pause and give herself a minute, trying to gather herself before the tears stinging her eyes fell, too late she felt the wetness on her cheeks, swiping at it with one of her hands, this sight in front of her made Joan's face fall, a concerned look over her features at Jianna being upset. "I'd....I'd just want you there with me, or me somewhere with you, anywhere but in there, and now I'm out and free, and we're here like this, I don't...I don't want to be apart from you again, not ever...I don't want to feel that coldness, that sense of loss because you're not there, I don't want to not have you near me, not ever" the pitch of her voice becoming slightly higher with emotion as she spoke, doing her best to keep composed enough to be able to vocalise what she felt to the woman in front of her, once again swiping her tears from her cheeks as her face creased, the build up of emotions becoming too much for her, being able to finally express what she had held in for so long was like a river bursting its banks, Joan gathering her into her arms.

 

"Hey now, hey..." trying to swallow her own emotions at seeing the woman she loved upset in her arms. "I'm here, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, just like you're not, I promise you, everything will be alright, I'm right here" taking a little glance down to find one of Jianna's hands and link their fingers together. "See" kissing the back of her hand, once, twice and then a third time, hearing the crying subside and be replaced by soft sniffles, Jianna's face appearing from being nestled in her shoulder, touching their faces together and then their lips, taking Joan's face in her hands, deepening the kiss even more than before, feeling the older woman melting into her touch, the strong arms of Joan were back around her, holding her close as she changed their positions so they were led down on the sofa, Joan underneath and Jianna on top of her, exchanging passionate kisses with each other.


	3. Chapter 3

The warm weight.  
Warm weight with only thin pyjamas on.  
The feel of another curled into you.  
Their weight half on you.  
Thin barriers allowing that closeness.  
The transference of body heat.  
The warmth.  
The comfort.  
The security.  
The calmness.  
Calmness summed up the atmosphere right now.

 

Joan led on her back in bed, Jianna curled into her, the younger woman's left hand holding the older woman's hip in her sleep.  
She'd not moved much from this position, seemingly preferring to stay close by Joan even in sleep, not that Joan herself was complaining, far from it, this being the first woman to want to be this close and stay close even when she was sleeping.

 

Peaceful and angelic, those were two of a number of words that could be used right now to describe how the younger woman looked.  
No tension or upset on her face.  
Her features relaxed and calm.  
Just like they should be.  
All the time.  
Even though life didn't afford us such a luxury, at least in sleep we could for a few hours at least experience such things.

 

"I know you're looking at me" the sleepy voice said breaking Joan's thoughts.  
"Hmm?" being roused from her own mind, her eyes to the young woman at her side.  
Jianna smiled sleepily, her eyes still closed.  
"I know that you've been looking at me" she repeated.  
"Is that so?" Joan asked, unable to help her own smile at Jianna's comment, the younger woman was a smart arse, in a good way, and intelligent despite what rumours and unkind comments had been around Blackmoore.

 

They didn't know her, not properly, they just judged based on the little bits they'd heard, not actually taking the time to get to know the young woman, to help her, or to see beyond her age and all the things she'd been through socially and mentally from an even younger age, that had then led to her being in prison, such judgemental people. It seemed that tables had turned both ways for them, whilst Joan took the time to know Jianna, Jianna in turn then got to know Joan, had and felt an attraction to Joan, this was quite a surprise to the prison officer, especially since she herself found Jianna attractive, there was something about the younger woman, it caught her attention, something dare she say familiar, like Jianna seemed to understand her on certain levels, took the time to do this, to listen to her, spend time with her and not expect anything but her company, something they seemed to enjoy from one another, the simple act of company, this then started to grow and develop.

 

"Yep" the answer was short and to the point, unable to help herself by adding. "Weren't you?" still she smiled.

 

Usually Joan wouldn't be party to any kind of 'game' or teasing, it'd be a straight up no she wouldn't be involved in this kind of thing, or would find it tedious and irritating telling the other participant as much, childish, but right here and now, with the woman pressed against her, it didn't feel any of these negative things, the opposite in fact, hence the smile that had grown since Jianna had uttered her first sleepy word.

 

Joan couldn't help a stifled chuckle.  
"Yes" the one word that revealed Jianna's smiling, dark eyes to her, Joan moving onto her side, but kept her embrace wrapped around the other woman.  
"And now I get to look at you" she replied, seeing Joan's expression ghost with shyness.  
"Ah I don't know about that" dipping her eyes from the woman's next to her, the focus being on her made her feel funny, it was strange, different, but didn't feel horrible coming from Jianna, anyone else it would've, but not her, just different.  
A gentle hand on her neck made her eyes return to where they'd come from not seconds before.  
"There you are" Jianna's eyes smiling happily at seeing Joan's brown eyes again, never had the older woman seen someone smile so much at her simply regaining eye contact with them.

 

Attractive.  
Handsome.  
Strong.  
Vulnerable.  
Caring.  
Sensitive.  
Shy.  
Just a few of the words to describe her.  
At work she seemed like this cold, hard, single minded woman.  
But that was work.  
That was 'work Joan'.  
Not the 'at home, real Joan'.  
This Joan right here and now.

 

"Beautiful" Jianna whispered, her eyes fixed with Joan's, unable it seemed to remove them from hers and not seemingly wanting to.  
Joan did a very slight shake of her head at the comment.  
"Don't do that, would I lie to you?" came the counter argument.  
"No..".  
"Well then, believe it when I tell you these things...please" keeping her hand on Joan's neck and touching their foreheads together, two sets of brown eyes still locked. "You're beautiful".

 

She'd try to believe them.  
Tightening her arms around the other woman, Joan pulled her closer.

 

"As are you" whispered Joan, Jianna smiling at the compliment, she loved it when she saw the younger woman smile, even more so when she'd caused said smile.

 

Shuffling in Joan's arms, Jianna took the opportunity to snuggle into the embrace, nuzzling her face and nose against the soft and warm skin of the older woman's neck, feeling Joan return to be laying on her back, but keeping the smaller woman close to her, that's something that Jianna had noticed to, Joan's grip didn't waver, it didn't let her go, it was strong, strong and secure, bit like the woman herself.

 

Laying in a comfortable silence, Joan rested her left cheek against the soft, wavy hair of the woman in her arms, taking the opportunity to close her eyes, to enjoy the moment even more, if that was possible.

 

"I feel safe with you" was the softly breathed statement against Joan's neck, the feeling making the hair on the back of Joan's neck prickle at the sincerity and meaning behind such a simple phrase, and who it had come from, adjusting a little so she was able to place a gentle kiss on Jianna's hair.  
"I'll keep you safe, always, I'll protect you" she whispered lovingly to the woman in her arms, this being greeted with a soft kiss to her neck from Jianna, the action causing a warm rush and flutter in Joan's stomach, no one but this young woman had ever kissed her in such a way before, ever, this was a first.


	4. Chapter 4

Making her way downstairs, she saw Jianna at the bottom of said stairs, the young woman standing up after sitting on the last step, tying her shoe laces, looking to Joan she smiled.  
"Ready?".

 

But the older woman wasn't so sure she was, she was dressed and her shoes were on, but she still wasn't sure if she was ready, was she ready?

 

Jianna frowned at the lack of response from Joan.  
"Joan?" Joan's eyes with hers.  
"I erm...I don't know, no...erm... I don't know, just give me a minute" excusing herself and heading into the kitchen, getting herself a glass of water, Jianna appearing at her side mere seconds later.  
"What's happening?" a deeper frown gracing the younger woman's features, not quite sure what was going on, what was up with the older woman.

 

Draining the last bit of the water from the glass Joan leaned on the work surface, looking straight ahead, closing her eyes briefly then opening them again, but still looking ahead at the cupboard in front of her.  
"I...I don't think I can go" she eventually managed to say, taking a breath after she did, waiting for the incoming, inevitable onslaught from Jianna.  
"What...why?".  
"I just can't".

 

The younger woman's eyes were fixed on Joan, not moving.  
"That's not an answer though, why can't you, I thought it's what we wanted to do, for the both of us to go, I'm free and not in there anymore, we're free, I thought we were going to go to the shop together..." taking a minute to try and process what was happening, about Joan's uncertainty and change of mind. "It's me isn't it, that's what the problem is?" this latest statement getting Joan's attention immediately, her head turning to look at Jianna, her eyes widening a little as she did.  
"What?!" almost shocked at Jianna's line of thought.  
"Yeah that's what the issue is, it's me..." moving a little way from Joan and beginning to pace the kitchen as she tried to change her thoughts into words, stopping on the spot she looked straight at Joan. "I'm...I'm not someone you want to be seen with out in public, I'm not good enough to be seen out in public in somewhere even like the local shop with you. I get it, I know the kind of things that I've been involved with in the past, the things that got me into trouble, part of the reason I ended up in that shit hole in the first place, and therefore it's...it's tainted me, made me not good enough, dirty, used goods....unlovable" her eyes brimming with unshed tears that then broke past the dam of her eyelashes and silently started running down her cheeks, keeping her eyes with the older woman for a few seconds but no more as her face crumpled, quickly dashing in the opposite direction, across the living room area and towards the front door, only being stopped by a strong set of hands grabbing hold of her from behind, she being no match for the strength of Joan, or the speed of the older woman's long legs.  
"Why would you say that?" asked Joan suddenly finding her voice after hearing Jianna's outburst and then seeing her heading for the door, it seemed to spark something in her, she reacted and needed to stop her.  
"B...Because it's true, it must be" blurted Jianna, lifting her head to look at Joan, her face red from crying, her breath hitching, her lip quivering. "Why else would you be so unsure, why else would you not want to go out in public with me, it's...it's just me, it always has been because of me" shaking her head as another wave of tears started, covering her face with her hands, this distress and upset something that Joan couldn't cope with seeing anymore.  
"It's not, it's not you...please don't say that" thinking furiously on her feet to try and sort this 'mess' out that was currently happening in front of her eyes, her stomach knotting at seeing Jianna's tears.

 

Come on Joan do something.  
Explain.  
Give her some clarity.  
Tell her what is happening here.  
Come on!

 

Guiding them both to the sofa, she seated Jianna in the same position she'd had the previous afternoon and night, regaining her seat next to her.  
"Look at me, please look at me, please?" placing her hands on Jianna's knees, and keeping them here, seeing the face of her companion be revealed after a few moments, the red eyes and sniffling the result of her tears, this making Joan swallow hard.  
"It's not you, none of this is you, it's not your fault, not at all. It's me....maybe it's me who is the one who isn't good enough, good enough to be seen out in a public place with you" now it was her turn to dip her eyes from Jianna's, closing them as the silence descended.

 

Jianna looked, looked at the top of Joan's head, her own mind now trying to make sense of what she'd just been told.

 

She thinks it's her.  
That she's the one not good enough.  
Not good enough to be seen with me.  
In public.  
That's the reason for her reaction.  
For her not wanting to go all of a sudden.  
Her fear?  
Not that she doesn't actually want to be seen with me.

 

Jianna sniffled softly, seeing Joan's hands moving from her knees to being placed on her own knees, almost a sign that she didn't now feel worthy enough to touch the younger woman, since she felt she'd been the one that had upset her and made her cry from her behaviour.

 

Silently she reached out and placed her own hands on Joan's knees, feeling a very slight tremor from the other woman at the touch.  
"Joan..." no response at first. "Joan....Joan look at me...please" it was the use of that last word, the fact it wasn't aggressive, this seemed to work in regards to gaining Joan's attention, slowly the woman in question lifted her eyes to meet Jianna's, a vulnerable and haunted look in them.

 

Taking the larger hands in hers, Jianna gave them a little squeeze.  
"You're the best person to be seen in public with me, the only one I want to be seen with, when I was stuck in there I used to dream about what it'd be like to be able to be out, outta there and with you, now I am...well...I don't want to waste any of it" inching herself that bit closer to Joan on the sofa, their knees touching, hands still holding Joan's. "I just want you, nothing else, just you, you make me happy, the happiest I've ever been, I just want you, I need you".

 

A declaration of feelings.  
But nothing fake.  
It was sincere.  
From the heart.  
Honest.  
Talking directly to the woman herself.  
To Joan.  
Holding her hands.  
Their knees touching.  
Not once breaking contact with the older woman.  
Her eyes fixed and staring at Joan.  
Almost as if she was talking or trying to talk to her heart.  
To make her see that she meant what she was saying.  
All she was saying.  
That the negative thoughts Joan may have or be having weren't true.  
That Jianna didn't think them.  
She thought the opposite.  
Wanted the opposite.  
She wanted Joan.  
And had told her as much.

 

Joan flickered her eyes over the young woman holding her hands, nothing but an innocent, honesty on her face.

 

She wasn't lying as she sat here holding Joan's hands, she was speaking from the heart, putting her feelings out there, to let Joan know how she felt in case it wasn't clear, to tell her these things because she really wanted this, she wanted to do this simple thing of being in public, in a shop with Joan, not for any other reason other than it being with Joan, it seemed time in prison made you appreciate getting to do the simple things in life, things you thought you may never get to do, with the people or person you wanted to get the chance to do them with, in this case that person was Joan.

 

Joan squeezed the smaller hands that were with hers, a little smile coming over her face, she closed the remaining gap between their faces, resting her forehead against Jianna's  
"You make me happy too and I do want to do this with you" and she did, Joan was very much all for the simple things in life, she always had been, and even more so now this young woman was free and she was able to spend time with her like this.


	5. Chapter 5

Pulling the car into the space outside the supermarket, Joan pulled on the handbrake, turning off the engine feeling a set of eyes on her, these eyes drawing her to look to the woman at her side.  
Joan caught a look in said eyes, a look that even sat here said to her are you going to actually come in there with me, do you want to come in there with me, do you want to be seen with me, am I good enough for you, even if you know I want you?

 

Getting out of the car, Joan made her way around to the passenger side seeing Jianna get out too, the young woman giving her a quick smile, after locking the car, Joan slipped the keys into her jean pocket, straightened her posture and then saw where Jianna's nearest hand was to her, gently linking their fingers together.  
"Ready?" she asked simply as their hands entwined, the young woman looking at the action and then back to the woman herself, a smile appearing on her face.  
"Yeah" unable to stop her smile growing that little bit more as she felt Joan grip her hand that bit firmer, both walking in tandem over to the supermarket entrance, Jianna being the one to collect a shopping trolley, never once breaking their hands, the pair of them heading into the building.

 

With the younger woman pushing the trolley into the fruit and vegetables at the front of the shop, Joan walking along side, the both of them casually made their way a  
Joan watched as Jianna wandered a little way away from her, the young woman's eyes wandering over the fresh produce in front of her, it was almost as if she'd never seen in before, like she was just experiencing it for the first time, another thing prison must do to you, takeaway the sights and smells other people on the 'outside' are used to.

 

"You can touch them, if you'd like to get some of them you can you know, we can get whatever you want, I'd like you have things you want to eat and other things you want, especially after everything" her tone soft and kind, wanting Jianna to get and have whatever she wanted, the young woman had been deprived of many things for many years, and if she could make this a little better by starting with what Jianna was eating then so be it, she'd do it.

 

Hearing this reassurance from Joan, Jianna picked a few pieces of fruit and vegetables that she'd like, Joan following suit and picking some other different things and putting them in the trolley, both women then continuing around the supermarket, after a few aisles Jianna stopped in the middle of one of the aisles, Joan frowning when the younger woman disappeared from her side, looking behind her to see the other woman seemingly distressed and a little pale.

 

"Jianna, is everything ok?" making her way back from where she'd just come from, frowning in confusion at what was going on, this frown melting into concern as she saw the young woman's breathing becoming heavier, panic. "It's ok, you're ok, deep...deep breaths, deep breaths" putting an arm around Jianna, hoping this was the right thing to do, having to think on her feet and decide on the spot what she thought may help the woman currently having a panic attack in front of her. "I'm here" she soothed, using her free hand to hold one of Jianna's, stroking her thumb over the back of the smaller woman's hand, this action teamed with her arm around her seemed to slowly work, watching as Jianna's breathing started to settle down, looking up at Joan, who offered her a sympathetic smile.

 

"S...Sorry" she mumbled apologetically, feeling a bit embarrassed at what had happened, it seemed she needed some more time to get used to being out in public, get used to freedom and the open spaces of not being in prison.  
"No need to apologise, you didn't do anything wrong" Joan replied, it seemed the young woman had become a little overwhelmed in the supermarket, it was a very different place to be than being in Blackmoore, freedom in itself probably took a bit of getting used to.

 

Polar opposites.  
Confinement to total freedom.  
Someone telling you what to do and when to do it, to being able to decide for yourself.  
No one constantly watching you.  
Not being cramped up.  
Prisoners on top of one another, be this in cells, or in the line for your meals.  
Tight lines with guards everywhere.  
Guards ready to pounce at the slightest thing you did.  
The same for other prisoners too.  
If they felt in that kind of mood they'd do something, anything.  
Come for you.  
Go for you.  
So this.  
Freedom.  
It was different.  
Very different.  
Odd in a sense.  
Very odd.

 

Having regained her composure, feeling her chest feel lighter, not like someone was squeezing it, Jianna resumed walking around the supermarket with Joan, adding various other things to the shopping trolley as they went.

 

As they walked Joan looked, looked at the young woman beside her, the way she seemed unsure of her surroundings, nervous, like an animal that had been held in captivity for a period of time and then had suddenly been let free, timid, unsure, not quite sure what to do, how to be, what 'free people' did, how they acted.  
How long does it take to adapt to being free?  
Is that all that's causing this?  
How do you help someone adapt to freedom?


	6. Chapter 6

The end of another shift.  
Oh what a feeling it was.  
Didn't everyone enjoy this feeling?

 

Having been a rather long and busy day in Blackmoore, the number of incident and things to sort out keeping her mind occupied, it was also on a certain younger woman who was at this present moment back at her home, Jianna it seemed couldn't ever be off her mind, what a new novelty this was.

 

How do you go from managing on your own.  
Being alone.  
To then having someone on your mind.  
Not being able to not have them there.  
To having them in your home.  
And not minding them in said home.  
This younger woman.  
The one who she'd come across in prison.  
One she'd heard things about when she'd first come into Blackmoore.  
People had said things.  
From the top to the bottom of the prison.  
Guards right down to the other prisoners.  
Comments.  
Gossips.  
Rumours.  
Unpleasant ones a lot of the time.  
Derogatory remarks.  
Racist.

 

Shift completed, Joan exited the prison and drove home, yawning on her journey and opening her drivers' window to help wake her up a little bit, no way was falling asleep at the wheel going to be happening regardless of how tired she was.

 

Parking her car as she arrived home, Joan exited the vehicle, locked it and made her way into her house.  
No sooner had she stepped foot in said house her ears heard music playing, her nostrils detecting the scent of food cooking, what food she wasn't sure, still unable to recognise both things as she hung her coat up on one of the wall hooks, shoes off and then she went to investigate.

 

Softly frowning she made her way towards the kitchen, her feet without shoes making no noise on her approach, the sound and smells coming from the one room in her house she was heading to, pausing at the door to see the culprit of both things.

 

Jianna.

 

The younger woman had the radio on, some commercial station that Joan hadn't ever heard of, but it seemed Jianna liked it and had managed to tune it in, some kind of what do they call it...pop music Joan guessed. A pan on the stove, the oven on with some food cooking in here, the younger woman was stood next to the cooker, her back to the kitchen door totally unaware Joan was there, chopping something on the chopping board on the work surface, what was anyone's guess from the position she was looking from.

 

Glancing around the kitchen there were various other bits of 'evidence' on a couple of the work surfaces at the other woman's culinary efforts, packets left and not put away, little jars of spices and herbs, a couple closed, some with their lids left open.

 

Should she have felt irritated by this?  
Maybe she should have felt, annoyed, uncomfortable that someone else had tuned her radio in to whatever station it was on, that her kitchen looked like a chef's nightmare, a food explosion!

 

Stood there looking at it all she couldn't help but smile to herself, smile at the fact Jianna had taken it upon herself without any input from Joan to want to cook and make something for her, for both of them, also how could someone not smile at the humming, combined with singing and moving where she was chopping, something that the younger woman was currently enjoying, obviously knowing the songs that she was listening to, happily doing what she was doing.

 

After a few more moments of watching Joan made her way over, coming up behind the young woman.  
"Hello" she said, putting a gentle hand in between Jianna's shoulder blades, unable to help smile at the little jump of surprise the other woman gave, as well as seeing the smudge of flour on her cheek.  
"Hey" Jianna said, wiping her hands on the nearby tea towel, raising herself up on her tiptoes to peck Joan's lips, being helped by the older woman leaning down slightly.  
Seeing Joan look at her where she stood, she glanced around the kitchen and then back at the woman in front of her.  
"Erm...is it ok that I'm doing this, just thought it'd be nice y'know" searching Joan's face for some kind of reaction, hoping that she'd get a good one.

 

Poker face, a serious one, an unreadable one from Joan, her dark eyes not moving from Jianna's, just looking at her in silence.

 

Seeing this look caused a worried expression to ghost over Jianna's face, concerned that what she'd been doing wasn't alright after all, that it had all been a bad idea.

 

Sensing and seeing Jianna's expression caused Joan to break into a soft smile and give a reassuring nod of her head, that yes it's ok that Jianna had been cooking in the kitchen.  
She couldn't help herself in being fine with the younger woman being in here and making whatever she was making, the worried face of Jianna turning into a relieved and happy one, giving Joan a happy smile.  
"If you want to get a shower and get changed then I'll finish this food off, have it ready for when you're sorted?" she wanted to do something nice for Joan, the older woman had done so much for her and continued to do so, as well as working hard in her day job.

 

This was different for Joan, she wasn't used to someone else making food for her, trying to care for her in their way, it was different, but a nice different, thoughtful, a kind gesture, a gesture that the older woman took and headed upstairs to freshen up.

 

With their food eaten and enjoyed, Joan voicing her enjoyment of what Jianna had cooked, the younger woman said that Joan should go and relax and she'd take care of clearing up the kitchen, after all she'd made the mess in here.   
She saw the look Joan had given her at her suggestion, a little bit of an unsure look, maybe a look of someone not used to the kind of treatment the younger woman was currently offering, Jianna gathering their used plates and cutlery into her hands.  
"I can do things despite what people think and say about me, I've heard and sensed what people think about me, I just thought this was something nice" not waiting for an answer as she walked over to the sink to start the washing up.

 

Drinking the last of the water from her glass, Joan rose from her chair, carrying the empty glass to the sink, putting it on the work surface next to Jianna, taking a moment to just watch the other woman's hands plunge into the soapy water and her to begin the dishes, placing her hands on Jianna's small shoulders, being able to feel the bones under her fingers, the after effects of being in prison on meagre food, that was going to change, leaning down a little as she did so.  
"I enjoyed the food you made us both, thank you. And I know that you can do things and are capable" she said softly to Jianna, giving the shoulders under her hands a little squeeze to emphasise her words.  
The young woman's hands paused in the water feeling Joan's touch on her, her breath hitching quietly, the merest touches from the older woman had an effect on Jianna, it was the way those larger hands although bigger than hers, as was the woman herself, but she was gentle, light with her physical contact, awkward at times, also gave off the vibe of being somewhat nervous on some levels.

 

Silently Jianna leaned her head back on the woman behind her, her occipital bone resting against the strong muscle just below Joan's collarbone, closing her eyes for a few moments, she then opened them and resumed washing the pots, feeling Joan releasing her shoulders and then moving to the living room, Jianna affording a little look behind her and seeing the kitchen empty.


	7. Chapter 7

The dinnertime sun was in the centre of the sky, covering the small back garden in pleasantly warm rays, Jianna had moved one of the two outside chairs from near the back door and over to a place on the grass where she was currently sat, the sun warm on her skin, her plain white t shirt, well it had been white when she'd been given it in prison, now it was a dull white, it wouldn't be too long before it was moving to a grey shade, her dark denim jeans frayed around the ankles had been rolled up to her knees, a quick pair of makeshift long shorts, the last time she remembered wearing actual shorts was when she was younger, maybe when she'd moved into the first children's home, certainly not in prison had she had any shorts, they had no use in there.

 

Leaning her head back to rest on the chair she closed her eyes, the birds tweeting softly, a light breeze moving over her every now and again.  
If entering into Blackmoore wasn't bad enough, finding out that you were pregnant not long either just added to the horrific experience, the dread of fear, of the unknown, of how to handle the entire situation, because how the hell do you handle something like that, how did anyone deal with the news of being pregnant in prison?

 

That word.  
One word that changed her life.  
Changed it so much.  
Guilty.

 

The word echoing in her ears, booming loud, loud and clear.  
Like someone had just blasted an air horn into her ears.  
So loud and deafening that she wanted to put her hands over said ears to stop the noise, anything to rid her of hearing the words, make them stop, go away.

 

With the metal cuffs cold around her wrists, the rubbing of the edges cutting into her skin she was led from the court and into the back of the prisoner transfer van, a pair of prisoner officers with her, one man and one woman, the woman passing a couple of comments about how this is what she got when she got involved in dirty drugs and that she deserved it, not that things weren't bad enough right now, but this woman had already taken it upon herself to pass said remarks to the young woman, to make such a judgement even though she'd never met Jianna before and knew nothing about her.

 

Roughly pushed into the van from behind, not quite sure if it was him or her that had pushed her, hell it could've been both of them together for all she knew, not that she was in a position to make any kind of remark about her treatment, god forbid it might make things worse, if that was actually possible.

 

Doors closed, the woman moved around to the passenger seat in the front of the van, the man in the driver's seat and the journey began, the cold metal of the seat Jianna was sat in making the bottom of her thighs tingle with the coldness, a slight numbness, something she wished could be afforded to her wrist, light red marks beginning where the handcuffs were put on that little bit too tight.

 

They'd not been driving long when it started, the two prison officers joking between themselves, racist remarks passing between them, both of them being well aware that they'd be heard, wanting the young prisoner in the van to hear them, almost gloating and sounding happy that she could hear them, a proudness to their behaviour.

 

After listening to them carrying on for a few minutes, Jianna raised her cuffed hands towards her face, doing her best to cover her ears, not wanting to listen to it anymore, not even the vans engine was enough to block out the sound of their voices.

 

She'd been hearing this on and off for years, the comments, jibes, remarks, people 'outside' seem determined to say something wherever she'd been or gone, the officers as she was held before going up and into court, some of the 'boyfriends' her mum had had in the brief periods of being back home, and then when she'd started moving between the various children homes, some of the kids in here had made it their duty to make nasty and hurtful remarks about the fact she was Aboriginal, made a beeline for her, a tool to bully her, an easy road that allowed them to subject her to the verbal bashing.

 

All these things not being prevented or at least eased by the adults that worked in these places, in fact they seemed to aid it, make it worse, some of them would join in and the others that didn't weren't exactly forthcoming in defending her, they just watched and listened to it all happened, turned a blind eye to it all, washed their hands of the responsibility, even though it was meant to have been a big part of their job, keeping the children in their care safe from harm, be it mentally, physically, all ways. But she hadn't been given this, she'd had no protection, defence, or support, this slowly but surely started to eradicate trust in people, in anyone. She was the minority, the odd one out in many and all senses of the word.

 

It was relentless, you couldn't escape it, even the booking in process when she reached Blackmoore wasn't much relief for her, she'd heard some of the officers here remark on her and her skin colour, her ethnicity. Then when these verbal mutterings stopped it was the looks, the looks from the other prisoners as she was taken into the main prison, heading for her cell, they spotted her instantly, their eyes drawn to her, so many pairs of eyes on her, god knows what was going through the many heads that were staring at her, one could only imagine.

 

On reaching her cell carrying her prison issued items, the officer stood close by her, the man towering over her, his eyes locked with hers.  
"You better fucking behave yourself otherwise there will be consequences, there's not many of your type in here" came the threat followed by an evil smirk, he knew that the young woman in front of him was an easy target that he could frighten, she was new, alone, in an alien environment, easy to take advantage of mentally as well as physically if he'd wanted to. As soon as he saw her in the booking in process she stood out, she's smaller, meeker, she was definitely a first timer in here, they were the easier ones to frighten.

 

Watching him leave she stepped further into the cell, the musty smell assaulting her nostrils and making her screw up her face a little, the coolness hitting her cheeks, some of the paint peeling off the walls in the corners the result of years of poor maintenance, her head suddenly looking behind her at a shout, her eyes widening in fear, watching and waiting. After a few moments she realised it was coming from further away than she first thought, an altercation from a couple of floors above the ground one that she was on, this shouting that had first happened now being accompanied by the voices of prison officers, all bodies obviously taking part in some kind of scuffle, as long as it's up there she could deal with this for now.

 

Her throat and mouth feeling dry, she gave a hard swallow moving over to perch on the edge of the bed, the thin mattress not giving lots of comfort even for her small frame. 

 

Hands clasped together in between her thighs she glanced around her new 'home', said thighs tightening as the weight of where she was and the fact that she was stuck in here, on her own for the foreseeable future came crashing down on her.

 

How did I end up here?  
I don't deserve to be here.  
Don't belong in here.  
It wasn't my fault.  
It wasn't.  
How am I going to cope in here?  
Alone.  
With no one.

 

Feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness consuming her she buried her face into the nearby equally thin pillow, using it to muffle the sounds of her cries, the last thing she wanted was someone nearby hearing her, these quickly turning into uncontrollable sobs.

 

A hitching breath in her throat and then another she could feel the slight warmth that the sun had created on her face since she'd been sat in the garden, the coolness of her tears a contrast, the salty tracks making marks on her cheeks, quickly she swiped at them, trying to rid her skin of any remnants of the memories, ones she was plagued with, ones still being carried on her shoulders despite her being free physically, in her head, her mind, her thoughts that particular part of her felt like she was still there, still somewhat locked up.

 

Angry and frustrated at herself she dug her nails into her palms, using what strength she had despite being and feeling weak due to the poor nutrition and everything else that came with prison, wincing as she felt the pain of her now broken skin, looking down with a blur in her eyes from the tears, the red of her blood lightly on her fingertips making her release her nails from her palms, stifling a sob, but this was replaced by a sniffle and then her pressing her closed eyes against her lower fingers and knuckles of her balled fists, weeping softly.


	8. Chapter 8

Dinner had been a quiet and peaceful affair a few days later, Joan had cooked after work and now hadn't long moved into the kitchen and to the sink, she'd also taken it upon herself to do the washing up now the rest of the surfaces in the kitchen had been cleaned, leaving Jianna over the other side of the room, sat the dining table drinking the remainder of her orange juice that she'd had with her food, her eyes skimming through one of her magazines, becoming interested in one of the articles and starting to read it fully.

 

On completion of her reading, Jianna's eyes rose from the colourful pages looking over at the older woman engrossed in the domestic act she was doing, she wandered her eyes up and down the tall body, taking in Joan's form, her figure, her legs, the way her dark, bobbed hair sat so straight and neat in the nape of her neck, just above the plain, white t shirt she was wearing.

 

She'd seen Joan not long after entering Blackmoore, an incident when she was unable to be calmed by one of the other prison officers, this leading said officer to go higher and request the presence and help of the Deputy Governor, and so Joan turned up at the cell door, sending the other officer away telling her that she'd deal with this. Jianna was expecting a verbal battering, a scolding, being shouted at and told that she'd be punished for how she was behaving, how she was reacting to being in prison, but what actually came her way surprised her.

 

Kindness.  
A soft tone of voice.  
Leniency.  
The Deputy Governor being dare she say it nice to her.

 

This seemed to be how 'things' started between the pair of them, the way Joan dealt with Jianna when she'd first entered the prison, treating the young girl with understanding, a soft stance, letting her know that she was ok, that it's understandable for her to feel as she was given where she'd just come into, prison seemed to have varied effects on the people who entered it, some repeat offenders weren't bothered because they'd done it all before, they knew what to expect, it was normal for them, going through the motions, but then girls like Jianna came into prison, rabbit in headlights, totally not used to this environment, overwhelmed by it all, distressed and spooked, emotionally distraught, panicked by the not knowing, the what ifs. 

 

Then it evolved from there, her attraction to the older woman growing ,the glances at one another in the canteen at meal times, the hello's whenever they saw each other, how Jianna saw Joan give her little smiles when she passed her or saw her around the prison, smiles the younger woman returned, she did this because Joan was different, she seemed different to the other officers, she was softer, kinder, never said anything horrible, nasty or racist to her, not like the other people in the prisoners did, officers and prisoners alike.

 

Stopping reading and putting her magazine down on the table, Jianna raised up from the chair and moved across the kitchen to where Joan was, cuddling her from behind, her arms around the older woman's waist, her head resting on the strong back in front of her, enjoying how muscular and solid it felt under her cheek.

 

After a few moments of standing like this together, Jianna trailed her hands from being linked at Joan's waist, up her torso to her chest over her t shirt covered breasts, the thin cotton covering them. The feeling of the younger woman's hands on her body makes Joan's hands pause in the washing up bowl, this was very different for her, no one had ever started or even touched her at all like this before, never in her life had they.

 

Not hearing any objections from her girlfriend, Jianna's hands continue their ministrations, moving back down from being near Joan's neck and shoulders and then onto her breasts, cupping them over her t shirt and gently starting to massage them, liking the weight in her palms, closing her eyes at what she was doing.

 

Then the silence was broken.  
Broken after merely seconds.  
One single word.  
Stop.

 

This word being accompanied by wet hands touching dry ones, Jianna immediately stopping what she was doing, her eyes opening.

 

"Why did you ask me to stop?" she asked the older woman.  
"Just stop" was the blunt and simple reply from Joan, the tone of which was enough for Jianna to break contact fully with her girlfriend, watching the older woman turn around and dry her hands on the nearby tea towel, both women looking at one another, Jianna by this time had taken a step back from her original position, thus creating a gap between them both.

 

Jianna broke the silence.

 

"I am that bad is that why you asked me to stop? I just wanted to touch you, sitting over there where I was and seeing you from behind doing the washing up, I couldn't help myself, I got the need and the urge to come over to touch you" truth be told she'd been thinking about this kind of thing with Joan for a while, this need and want to touch her, to feel her, to feel her body, a desire towards the older woman.

 

But hearing and seeing the reaction of Joan she was now left wondering, feeling somewhat rejected. 

 

Didn't Joan like her touch, her touching her?   
That her touch isn't nice for or to the older woman, is that what this was?   
That she'd prefer it from someone else?

 

"I...I erm...I'm not sure about being touched, it's not an action that I am sure of, about you touching me, I don't know about this entire situation of being touched" her words coming out of her mouth clumsily and not very articulate, trying to explain that no one has touched her before, or even wanted to touch her like Jianna has and was just doing, that it's not something she's ever been used to from anyone.

 

Joan had never experienced this kind of contact and intimacy, it's not something she'd been used to, she didn't actually ever think that she'd ever meet someone she thought so much of like Jianna, someone she was so attracted to, had a connection with, these things also adding to how nervous she feels and causing her to be as inarticulate as she was trying to explain her feelings to Jianna.

 

It wasn't the kind of response the younger woman expected, it was one that due to the misunderstanding caused her to feel upset, rejected, like Joan isn't really interested in this kind of intimacy with her, doesn't want anything like this with her.

 

Mumbling something about going to bed in the spare room, Jianna didn't even wait for an answer or response before she exited the kitchen and headed for the stairs, leaving a silent Joan watching her go, the older woman feeling as if her body has been frozen to the spot she was stood in and she couldn't respond to stop the younger woman leaving.


End file.
